The Two Sides of Self-Compassion: Embrace Your Inner Softie and Fierce Protector

Let’s get something straight: self-compassion isn’t about patting yourself on the back while binge-watching Netflix and eating ice cream (although, sometimes, that’s okay too). Self-compassion is about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer a friend. Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research, breaks it down into two sides: the tender and the fierce. Understanding both can transform how you navigate life’s ups and downs. So, let’s dive into what these two sides mean and how they can make your life a whole lot better.

The Tender Side of Self-Compassion

The tender side of self-compassion is about embracing your inner softie. This is where you show yourself kindness, comfort, and soothing in times of need. It’s recognizing that you’re human, that you make mistakes, and that it’s okay to not be perfect. This aspect of self-compassion is about being gentle with yourself when things go wrong.

When you’re tender with yourself, you acknowledge your pain without judgment. Instead of beating yourself up over a mistake, you offer yourself words of encouragement and understanding. This tender approach helps to reduce feelings of shame and self-criticism, fostering a sense of safety and self-worth.

Think of it like this: if your best friend was going through a tough time, you wouldn’t tell them they’re a failure or that they should just get over it. You’d probably tell them it’s okay, that everyone screws up, and that they’re still a good person. So why not offer yourself the same courtesy?

The Fierce Side of Self-Compassion

On the flip side, self-compassion isn’t just about being your own best friend; it’s also about being your own fierce protector. This side is all about taking action to alleviate your suffering, setting boundaries, and standing up for yourself. It’s not just about feeling better; it’s about doing better.

The fierce side of self-compassion involves taking a stand when you’re treated unfairly, saying no to things that harm your wellbeing, and making choices that align with your values and needs. It’s about recognising your worth and demanding that others do too. This might mean advocating for yourself at work, cutting ties with toxic people, or pushing yourself to achieve goals that matter to you.

Dr. Neff describes this as the mama bear aspect of self-compassion. Just like a mama bear fiercely protects her cubs, you protect your own wellbeing. This might mean making tough decisions and enduring short-term discomfort for long-term gain. It’s about empowerment and taking control of your life.

Balancing Tender and Fierce Self-Compassion

The magic happens when you balance these two sides. Too much tenderness without fierceness can lead to passivity and complacency. You might end up excusing bad behaviour and not taking necessary action to improve your situation. On the other hand, too much fierceness without tenderness can lead to harsh self-criticism and burnout. You might push yourself too hard and neglect your emotional needs.

Balancing tender and fierce self-compassion means knowing when to soothe yourself and when to take action. It’s about recognizing when you need a break and when you need a push. This balance helps you navigate life’s challenges with resilience and grace.

How Personal Therapy Can Help

If finding this balance sounds tricky, that’s because it is. Personal therapy can be an invaluable tool in developing both sides of self-compassion. A good therapist can help you identify when you need to be tender with yourself and when you need to channel your inner fierce protector. They can offer strategies to cultivate self-compassion and provide support as you practice these new skills.

Therapy can also help you uncover any underlying issues that might be making self-compassion difficult. Maybe you grew up in an environment where self-criticism was the norm, or perhaps you’ve internalised societal messages that equate self-worth with productivity. A therapist can help you unpack these issues and develop a healthier, more balanced approach to self-compassion.

Conclusion

Self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off the hook or becoming self-indulgent. It’s about treating yourself with the same kindness and respect you’d offer a friend, while also standing up for your own needs and values. Embracing both the tender and fierce sides of self-compassion, as researched by Dr. Kristin Neff, can transform your relationship with yourself and improve your overall wellbeing. So, go ahead—be your own best friend and fierce protector. You deserve it.